From The Pages of His Diary
by KamiKaze Knight
Summary: Ana has listened Christian saying he would do anything to avoid those feelings when she left him, many times. But she never got to know how did he actually felt untill she gets hold of his Diary.


_**From The Pages of His Diary**_

 _ **...**_

 _ **...**_

"Christian," Ana calls entering into his study, "Where are you? "

The room is neat and clean as always. Just the same she had seen it the first time. Everything has changed since then. Him, her, their relationship, everything. It's been months now since they met but it feels like yesterday. Christian Grey! Who would say a girl called Anastasia Steele could change him? And yet he is changed and is happily married with that certain girl who at this moment is desperately searching for her dear husband and the father of that little blip growing inside her womb. First trimester of pregnancy can be a real bitch sometimes. Throwing up of meals, occasional emotional break out and with undue urges of different weird things on the top. Like now she has a strong desire of having pasta and with Mrs. Gail on a leave Christian has agreed to cook her some pasta. But as he's taking more time than needed Ana decides to check on him. He's not in kitchen so she's here in his study to check.

"Where has he gone?" Ana murmured to herself.

She turns to leave but something catches her eyes. There's a brown Diary peeping out from Christian's desk drawer. Curiosity peeps in her head. ' _Always hungry for information'._ She brushes Christian's teasing voice off her head and heads for the diary. She has seen Christian earlier with this diary and he's not very interest to talk about it. And Ana just knows when Christian is not interested in something that means it's hell interesting. She looks at the exit to be sure Christian isn't around before slipping out the diary from the drawer. She opens it. The first page contains a plain line written on it with neat and clean handwriting. So much of Christian. Does he do something im-perfect? Only two words-

 _ **Christian Grey**_

She turns the pages one by one. First few pages are blank. Then comes his writings. She reads-

 _I am so unfamiliar with this type of emotion. I feel like I once have everything in my life and now I have nothing. Somewhere it aches but I don't know where. It's so confusing. The monster inside me hasn't awoken up since yesterday. Wake up. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel like before._

Ana searches for an date but there's no date on it. But she knows when he has written them. He has told her numerous times that he doesn't want to feel like that again. But he won't tell her how exactly he felt. Ana thought may be he didn't know himself how he felt but here's this diary containing all his emotions written on it. She turns more pages and reads,

 _I was there. Yes just before her apartment, stalking. Why? I don't know. I just wanted to see her. Once! I wanted to make sure she's okay. She walked away from me. She fucking walked away from me. Why should I care about her. I don't want her in my life. And yet I can't let her go._

She reads-

 _Again nightmares. They are horrible as ever but they are more frequent nowadays. I can't sleep. I don't have nightmares when she's with me. Why can't I be everything she wants me to be? Why? Oh yes, I am fucked-up son of a bitch._

"No. You aren't. I didn't mean that actually." Ana whispers to herself.

She reads further,

 _The thought of her with someone else stab me in my chest with a knife. It hurts. But why? It shouldn't hurt me. I know she doesn't remember me. She doesn't miss me. Or she does? Girls never forget their first loves. Oh yes, she said she loves me. Loves Me! Love the fifty shades? No she didn't know the monster inside when she fell for me. No one can love a monster._

"Oh my fifty!"

She reads-

 _She wanted more. So that I. I never have wanted more with anyone before her and yet she's gone. She's everything I need. Why she didn't understand_.

Next page,

 _Flynn is very confusing as ever. He asked me to concentrate where I want to be. I am trying to concentrate. Of course I want to be with her. But does she too? I am fucked-up son of a bitch afteral._

"It's veey unethical to read someone's private diary you know." Ana hears and her heart skips a beat. How can he do this to her? He's so fifty. She turns slowly to face him and a grinning Christian welcome her leaning against the door

"You scared the shit out of me Christian." Ana complains.

"What did I do? You were reading my diary."

"I didn't know you write diaries."

"I didn't... just this one," Christian points the diary in her hand.

"Sorry... I didn't mean to.. Er.." she places the diary on desk.

"I am not mad at you if that's why you are stammering."

"You aren't?"

"No I am not. Pasta is ready. You coming?" he stands straight.

"Can I read it further?"

"You want to?"

"Yes."

"You can then. There's nothing in there you don't know already."

"But still it feels good to read in words."

Christian raises his eyebrows in question.

"You never said how you felt."

"I told you enough I guess."

"You are not a very talkative person."

"No I am not. Read it if this means so much to you. Your pasta is getting cold. Come fast."

"You go I am coming."

Christian shakes his head in disapproval and walks near her. Taking her in his arms he heads toward the exit.

"You never listen to me you know." He says.

"So do you." She says wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I do listen to you."

"Ha! Why didn't you ever tell me you went to my place to see me?"

"Ana! If you want to read that bloody diary you can but don't ask me about anything written on that. I don't want to travel that part of my life again."

"That bad huh!" Ana jokes.

"Very bad."

And with this he takes her out in kitchen to have her pasta. The diary remains open on his desk. A cold wind from window turns some pages and there are four words written in italic form-

 _ **"I love you Ana"**_

 _ **KamiKaze Black: Do review. Sorry about the mistakes.**_


End file.
